hysterics' net art obsession


[this post's content somehow accidentally ended up in 10.2.13's place and irreversibly deleted its content. oops]

today i'm talking about something fairly serious that i'm not going to say on any other form of media because its not really pertinent enough to the people in my everyday life for them to need to know. so if you're reading this you're either from the internet so its what could be an interesting look in on the more sensitive aspects of my life and mind or you're a friend i've decided i don't mind or would even prefer if you know about it

so i've actually got my shit together contrary to the image i may portray of myself here. because of that i've had time to think about the facets of my personality that have fallen by the wayside as far as development goes in the past when i was reevaluating my life. one of those has been my sexuality. i know you probably don't fucking care what my biology has to say about sex but that's okay you choose to read this so you can also choose not to. so here goes

for some time i thought i was polysexual. as in i wouldn't care if you were transgender as long as you were sufficiently feminine. like i'd have to assume you were a cisgendered female without you telling me otherwise to be attracted. basically it was just to say that the sexual organ didn't have any bearing on the attraction. well that method of thinking has reached its logical conclusion in my mind now

i've realized more and more how little sex means to me as time has progressed. almost six years ago i had my first sets of sexual experiences. i was obsessed with it probably due to the fact that i was like entirely too young to be doing shit like that and hormones said fuckin go for it man she wants to have sex so do it. of course in reality she didn't but i was too stupid to realize i was being played blah blah blah that's not a story that needs telling. none of it was good. blame that on the fact that we were too young to know what we were doing if you want but i've got an alternate explanation

more time passes and i have sex on various occasions with various people. it was all underwhelming. oftentimes i wouldn't finish and even if i did it was hardly ever an experience worth remembering. i just can't get completely hard in front of people anymore. i'm not nervous i'm just not excited anymore. they're not unattractive. they just take their clothes off and suddenly i feel like a mistake has been made. for the past year i've even stopped having sex entirely because i've felt like there are so many other things i could be doing that are way more entertaining

as i've said i've had more time to examine facets of my personality recently. i looked back on these experiences a bit and tried to explain it in a way other than i haven't met the right person yet because that doesn't explain the lack of interest. i don't give things up that i know have a fair amount of variation in their results. i just keep going until i find a way that works. that's why i've never been and never will be suicidal despite bouts with depression. i don't do hopelessnes it doesn't suit me

serious thinking ensued and i remembered a friend or two that've self-proclaimed asexuality. i just took it for granted that it meant they didn't find people attractive and left it at that. i'd never really heard a solid definition of what it meant for humans just single-celled organisms which as you likely know have at least a few major differences from us. i decided it was worth looking into at the very least and did so. i found aven which while it initially and officially defines an asexual (so definitely so that they include the sentence at the top of every single fucking page) as "a person who does not experience sexual attraction." further study revealed that the majority of the community doesn't see it quite that black and white as evidenced in essays such as this

this research or whatever you'd like to call it has resulted in my understanding of asexuality as follows: an asexual is someone who doesn't experience either primary or secondary sexual attraction or sexual desire. primary sexual attration being 'wow so-and-so is hot' upon seing so-and-so. secondary sexual attraction (which if it is had without primary defines a demisexual) is thinking so-and-so is hot only after some kind of bond is formed with so-and-so. sexual desire being the want to have sex because of either of these attractions

well i have sexual attraction to all sorts of people that's for sure so by the official definition i certainly wasn't asexual. from my more studied definition though i noticed that sexual desire is something that i likely have next to none of. it takes a lot of defining away for some people to really get sexual desire but i understood right away that it wasn't something i had when i put my life in context with my newfound knowledge

now its time to bitch. i sort of feel like our hypersexual culture has done me a disservice by not really presenting a lack of sexuality as a possibility among the commonly accepted hetero homo n bi stuff. its just assumed everyone will feel all the same feelings about people and their genitals at some point in their life whether or not its the same or different genders so there's no need for definitions just let people figure out what the words mean when they get around to having the feelings. well fuck what if i don't ever feel like that and end up trying to fill a word's definition with a void? especially something as serious as this shit?

my 'want to have sex' as i suppose i've known it until i realized a nicer and succinct way to put it would be 'desire' has always been something more along the lines of 'obligation to pursue sex due to attraction.' its the difference between thinking if she wants to then lets do it because she's hot and if she wants to then lets do it because i've wanted to screw her for a while. maybe its subtle to you but trust me that it makes all the difference. one says that you're going to have sex because you think you should considering you think they're attractive. the other says that you're going to have sex because both people think sex sounds really good right about now. i've realized i'm the former. it explains why i'm actually realizing my almost complete lack of interest in sex

the only real thing about it that lingers in my mind is fantasy that i entertain during masturbation which is really just fantasy and has nothing to do with what happens in reality. fantasy is entirely attraction as the desire is translated into to rubbing one out not fucking somebody

if any of this logic seems backward to you i would encourage the reading of that essay i linked to all the way through and just general self-research as sometimes its easier to trust people you don't know more than the ones you do because you're a terrible person

so really there are more things that go into being asexual. some asexuals aren't interested in having romantic relationships either. they're aromantic. i find that very hard to identify with. that means i am romantic and as i wouldn't have a problem dating a transgendered person (as long as they are feminine like i previously stated) i'm polyromantic. i also kind of enjoy kissing to a degree (but if you had to put a number on it it'd be acute for sure) and cuddling is the shit. sensuality is separate from sexuality so please continue pulling your fingers through my hair that is pretty great i like that

anyway this has been an extremely relieving realization except in the part of my life where people actively pursue me as a sexual object. i'm not even kidding i know it sounds weird but it happens and its never been a comfortable experience. i don't know if i seem like someone who will just have casual sex with someone if they ask or if something about me just compels people who are interested in me to outright demand sex from me but at least now that i know this about myself i have something succinct and fairly undebatable to offer as a rejection

but you know i'd actually have to do that instead of just making the situation extremely awkward until they leave and try again in a few days

fuck all this was for nothing if i'm still retarded on the outside